Dear sluts, whores, harlots, and other women (there are no other women!), this post is dedicated to YOU. So recently a single young gentleman told me that all the girls these days are sluts, what with their mini skirts, fake tans, tattoos, and (lo and behold) halter tops.And YET, with this scintillating array of tramps strutting their stuff scantily clad around town, he has a really hard time (pun intended) getting...laid. Naturally, I totally sympathize with his predicament. I mean, he did come for advice to me, the bona fide, cleavage-donning Whore of Babylon. I am dead-set on helping him and millions of blue-balled men just like him get to the bottom of this mystery.
So, bitches, what's going on here?! In the morning, as we squeeze into our skinny jeans and pout into the bathroom mirrors, do we not realize that society expects us to...put out?! I mean, after all, don't WE know that high heels make us sluts? What are we thinking to ourselves, walking around in fishnet tights and push-up bras, that we can get away with not fornicating with every willing connoisseur of feminine curves? I feel like it's time we set the record straight. Let's not confuse men. Let's not overload their brains with nuances of complicated inner workings and complex fashion rituals. Let's not perplex and mystify them with explanations such as "you know, corsets don't make me a hooker". That's just not fair to them. We need not be puzzling...or interesting. We NEED to be simple and obvious, like NASCAR. So here's my suggestion. Let's separate the sheep from the goats and start labeling things! If you're one of those hoes that will wear a dress but refuse to have sex on the first date, you should make that painfully obvious to the man who was kind enough to buy your false-advertising ass two drinks. Wear a "sorry, no sex " tiara! Or "JUICY but not tonight" track pants. Don't try to be ambiguous about it, just say it how it is. If you are a TOTAL whore (as your shoes indicate), you should ALSO make that crystal clear to the general public.
You don't have to wear a scarlet "A" on your chest, but maybe a crotch iron-on heat patch with the word "YES". Or maybe just a bull's eye around the butt on your jeans...that might be better than words, because it doesn't eliminate all the horny foreigners who want to bone you but don't know exactly what kind of slut you are. Basically, you get the point! Because right now, the only way to know a real whore from a misleading dilettante are those clear platform stripper heels and false lashes with gemstones. If it weren't for those, God, I don't know how society would operate. So let's make this easy on everyone and stop trying to be intriguing and multifaceted. Don't waste your precious time trying to prove to guys that labeling you as a tramp for wearing leather pants or a bandage dress is shallow and narrow-minded and just plain stupid, as it simultaneously demonstrates his disrespect for women and how intimidated he is by them and by their sexuality. Forget all that. No one has patience for that sort of obscure mentality. Just. Be. The. Slut. That. You. Are. Or aren't. It doesn't matter, since you'll get pegged for one anyway by simply choosing not to leave the house looking like a janitor (no offense to janitors, but most of the ones I met had mustaches). Be reasonable. Announce your intentions (DTF or not DTF?), embroider them on your blouse, carve them on your forehead, tattoo them on your thigh, do what you will, but please, stop confusing men.
So. If you see the lustrous logic behind my sermon, start your morning by deciding exactly what kind of whore you will be today. Men will thank me and you for this, as it will eliminate all the ridiculous courtship and unnecessary dinner dates from their busy lives. Go on now, you floozy, and be the woman everyone already thinks you are!
Muah, bitches! ❤ ❤ ❤
